I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
