i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize