So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize