TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
