Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
