I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
