so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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