the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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