Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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