Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've blown a few things in my day
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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