so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
