The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize