I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
