pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
