she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
