my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
