The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
