This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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