I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
