I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
