I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
