Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
