I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
