Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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