It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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