This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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