I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
