Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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