I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
