I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
