if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
