the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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