I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
What a dumb baby whore.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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