so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
