I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
