I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
