Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
