i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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