I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
