I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
