Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize