im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
