thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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