I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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