I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
