Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
