remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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