They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
