life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
