My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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