I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
