Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
