I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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