well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
