Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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