well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
