I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm passing your future prison.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
