Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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